The Kink of Entitlement

Birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I wouldn't say it was because of the parties, (that said I always had the most ambitious dreams for each party). They were always a big deal to me because it was the one day where I wasn't managing anyone else's needs.

The one day that I got to just receive, without consciously thinking about what I would owe after it was over.

Once I became a mom that stopped being true.

I didn't notice it happening, I just noticed the weeks leading up to my 33rd birthday that it had been years since my birthday actually felt like a celebration.

I did something that still makes me cringe.

I wanted to feel taken care of, I wanted to receive. What came to mind first was the class I had just started. It had a stack of required reading. I totally could have paid for the books myself, and I decided it was low-lift enough to not be too edgy for me.

I posted in my stories that anyone who wanted to could send money toward the books - no strings attached, no thank you card, nothing expected back.

I called it my "33 Receive Experiment"

Within 20 minutes of posting it Michele from @milkmoonherbs sent the exact amount I was open to receiving.

Consciously I did not enjoy it - this was not a glowing girl-boss "receiving" moment. I cried, I was so profoundly uncomfortable.

Just to receive and not being expected to give anything back.

It was humiliating and I had to sit with feelings of "entitlement" (one of the biggest shadows I have).

As I approached this birthday sale, I was faced with the same shadow - entitlement.

My entire life was centered around taking care of everyone else around me, being considerate, being the "good daughter" the "good girl" the one who always let someone else go first. When I looked around at my cousins, my peers etc. I would become borderline rageful over how they would conduct their life through the lens of expecting things to be given to them - JUST BECAUSE. It was revolting, and I was so much better than them because I earned what I got, because I considered others before myself... This has been a STICKY shadow for the majority of my life as you can probably tell.

Yesterday I woke up with this kinky idea of calling someone that I feel I am 100% entitled to ask something of and telling them that I am going on a trip, and I want extra shopping money since it's for my birthday.

I sat with the sensations as I wrote this out in my morning pages and witnessed where the sensation was in my body. It was incredibly interesting that it was in my lower belly (the same place that I typically feel constriction with charged feelings) but this time it was tingly - very much like the sensation of turn-on.

Last night laying in bed the spinning thoughts came back - "what would people think of me" and I decided to take it further than I did in the morning. I decided to feel the sensations in my body and realized how energetically charged I was getting over the mere thought of people simply thinking of me as entitled. The idea of people thinking of me as "bad" or thinking I don't have enough money to go on this trip or not being as "successful" as I want to be perceived as.

IT WAS HOT.

This exercise is a taste of what shadow integration can be. It doesn't have to be you up against a whipping post, journaling or meditating for hours unless you're into that sort of thing then go nuts!

This form of shadow integration known as "Existential Kink" is the most fun, and pleasurable way to make the unconscious conscious because when it's done though this way you are not only accepting the shadow (unconscious) part of yourself, but you are FULLY approving, loving, and excited by the part of yourself that you've exiled - (usually for a good reason, but that's another story for another time)

These sessions are a part of my Birthday Sale.

36% off practically everything right up until I zip up my suitcase on Oct. 3rd

• Homeopathy for the Autonomous Woman

• Rooted & Rising

• Practically all my 1:1 Sessions

You don't need a good enough reason to take 36% off.

You never needed a good enough reason for any of it - the extra guac, the pair of shoes, the leaving the dishes for someone else in the house to tend to - receiving.

That's the whole experiment that I didn't realize was so charged, still three years later.

If you catch yourself building a case for why you deserve this discount "I've been eyeing this for months" "I'll actually use it" "I've worked so hard" I invite you to witness it.

That's the same voice that's kept me earning my way into things I already had permission to have.

See what happens when you do something "bad".