Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness
This is my first PAIL as a bereaved mother and a certified Bereavement Doula. That said, any birth worker (OBGYN, L&D Nurse, midwife, birth assistant, doula, birth photographer, etc.) should have some form of training in bereavement. The statistic that 1 in 4 families experience pregnancy or infant loss is too high not to be trained to support these families. I recommend Stillbirthday as an option for training and certification if desired. It is also an amazing resource in general for pregnancy and infant loss and ways to support!
There was a book that I read while I was pregnant with our oldest daughter that discussed making a plan/preferences for if your pregnancy and birth result in the death of your baby(ies). I remember being mortified at the thought of planning something like that. I didn’t want to jinx our pregnancy by planning for the death of our unborn baby. Thankfully we did not need it for our first. I wish I would have for our second.
In the almost 2 years its been since I birthed our second baby I have not found one picture of me celebrating our pregnancy - because I was still not happy with the extra weight I was carrying from our first pregnancy. We did not get the opportunity for keepsakes since we were still early in our pregnancy. Since I was still in the depths of postpartum depression and anxiety from my first birth I don’t even have positive memories of us celebrating our pregnancy (even though I know we did- Olive was such an exciting, wanted, and loved surprise!).
In spite of the negativity that one might think I have surrounding the death of our second baby, I am choosing to look at my birth at 9 weeks gestation as positive of an experience as it could be since I was able to have a home birth. Even though I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on with my body I was still in the comfort of my home when Olive was birthed from my womb. I know that is not the case for so many others. I was able to have an open conversation with my OBGYN when I was transferred out of my midwife’s care about allowing my body to complete on its own naturally and avoid a D&C.
I was able to go to care provider appointments (there were a lot in the first week) and come home and just sit while my parents tended to our toddler and supported us the best they knew how to, even though they lost a grandchild. My husband took a week off to be with me and our 18-month-old daughter. I have since learned that so many take this essential time of rest, mourning, and healing as vacation time from work, and not bereavement leave of absence as the time that it is. This is not a vacation, and your employer should not view it as such.
Had I sat down and discussed preferences before Olive’s death, I know it would have looked a lot like this, but there are some things I wish I could go back and change…
This PAIL I am sharing to those that are pregnant, and or trying to become pregnant. Celebrate every single day. Take all the pictures, you can always delete them - but you can never get that moment in time back. Take time to discuss with your partner (if you have one) what your preferences are for birth in all outcomes. In the instance of a sad or negative outcome, write your preferences down, seal them in an envelope and hope and pray that you never need to open it. I am now of the mindset better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
The quote “hope for the best, plan for the worst” never really set well with me, especially when talking about something so magical such as pregnancy. That said, on this side of PAIL I realize that in the heavy suffocating emotional state of receiving a fatal diagnosis, being told that your baby died, or that you are no longer pregnant (in my instance) you are not in the state of mind to make decisions that you will have to live with after the fact. It could be as simple as adding a birth worker that has experience with loss to your birth team. Your preferences can be summed up in a few sentences with them so they know what is most important to you. It gives them the opportunity to help you plan for the best and to effectively support you in the event of the worst.
No one wants to talk about this - neither did I. Now that I am a bereaved mother I want to talk about it as much as possible so that others might learn from my experience. This is my attempt to bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss in 2019.