Infertility Awareness Week 2016
I was planning on posting this closer to Mother's Day, but since it's Infertility Awareness Week I decided to share a brief look into my personal experience with infertility.
Mother's Day 2015 started off as a day that I had been dreading more than usual. Zach and I had been trying to get pregnant for the past 3 years. This year, in particular, had been difficult, Zach and I were having serious conversations about the next step we should take to get our family started (fostering, adoption, fertility treatments, etc.)
We ended up at the mall that afternoon and as far as the eye could see were babies, toddlers, kids, & mommies. It was heartbreaking for me.
As I write this I vividly remember feeling my insides twist and just feel like I was in the deepest depth of hopelessness I had ever felt. Shortly after arriving we opted out of our shopping plans and decided just to head home. I cried for the whole 45 min. drive.
We got home and I laid on our bed and continued to feel sad that we still didn't have a baby to hold and care for. Sobbing and crying out to God asking "what more can I do?" Begging and pleading for the opportunity to be a mommy.
I still hadn't called my mom yet to tell her Happy Mother's Day and didn't want her to know I was having a difficult day so I composed myself the best I could.
We talked briefly and after catching up came the part of the conversation that wrecked me. A close family friend of my parents just became grandparents and they had just met the adorable little newborn. She innocently asked if I would be OK if she posted pictures on Facebook of her and the baby. I could feel my voice start to crack, I had spent the past 4 years answering the questions "When are you going to start having babies? How much longer are you guys going to wait? Are you pregnant yet?"
What broke my heart was that I knew that no matter what caption she posted with the picture of her and the baby there would undoubtedly be comments of "when will it be your turn?" or even worse…
“Congratulations!”
I didn't want her to have to experience even an ounce of what I had gone through with the invasive questions.
I told her through trying not to cry that I was fine with it, but she needed to prepare herself for the comments.
As I said it I lost it and started sobbing. I gave the phone to Zach and asked him to end the conversation with her for me.
Needless to say, I cannot recall being that distraught in my entire life.
Since we became pregnant I have talked with several women and couples that have struggled with trying to start their family and it breaks my heart because no one wants to talk about it openly so many suffer silently and feel like they are the only ones going through this. It's obviously a private and intimate topic and those going through it almost don't want to admit there is a problem because then it becomes real, and to be completely honest it's nobody's business outside of the couple and whoever they have trusted as a support system for them.
The point for this long-winded post is for those that view these "simple questions" as just being polite or showing an interest in the couple. If you know or encounter a woman, man, couple with or without children (secondary infertility is common) think before you talk about what goes on in their bedroom or in some instances a doctor's office.
You have no idea the weight that those questions carry and how much it affects those involved. For the couple that is trying to conceive, thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, being broken and or undeserving are sometimes daily occurrences.
Bottom line is - it's none of your business.
To those of you that are trying to conceive my only bit of "qualified advice" is to find a support system! It can be an actual support group, a close family member, a friend, or just someone that you can trust and feel comfortable with. It can be very relieving to know that you're not carrying this seemingly dark secret- it almost makes it more bearable.